Rebuilding trust

Source: www.freeimages.com

“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.”

“Trust is like paper: once it’s rumpled it can never be perfect again.”

“Trust is like an eraser: it gets smaller and smaller with every mistake.”

These popular quotes illustrate how easy it is to damage trust and how hard it is to rebuild trust once it has been betrayed.

Many of us will have experienced damage to relationships when trust is broken.  Someone has betrayed a confidence.  Another person stole.  Somebody abused their power, or failed to follow through on their commitment.  Sadly the missions world is far from immune from such challenges.  Our relationships with nationals and team members can be complicated by different understandings of trust, and misunderstandings can quickly arise leading to a loss of trust.

Trust is essential to any relationship, but it involves risk.  We start any relationship by divulging personal information like our name, family details, home town and possibly occupation, and then move into more intimate information like age and earnings.  We trust even the most casual acquaintances not to abuse these.  As relationships deepen, we entrust people with more, and this in turn engenders more trust as we see people handle our personal information, commitments and dependencies with integrity.  Until something goes wrong.

So how do we repair the damage once this has happened so that trust is restored to its previous pristine state quickly?

Forgive.  Often easier said than done, and although the initial decision to forgive may be effective, in our hearts and minds we may need to keep repeating it till our thoughts and feelings agree with our will.

Leave the past behind.  “I’ll forgive but I can’t forget” isn’t really forgiving.  OK, we can’t always forget what happened, but we can choose not to bring it to mind.  A friend of mine once said of someone “He swindled us out of a lot of money, but of course we forgave him.”  She clearly didn’t need to tell me, so I assume she hadn’t tried to forget.

Be honest.  Tell them how much their action hurt you, but that you’re willing to forgive and try to trust them again.  Hopefully your action will stimulate some change in them.

Get it in perspective.  Is this just one error in an otherwise trustworthy life?  Just because it’s happened once doesn’t mean it’s bound to happen again.

Take baby steps.  Give them an opportunity to be faithful in small things, and let them rebuild trust by showing themselves trustworthy.

Be patient.  Change doesn’t happen overnight, as we know from our own character weaknesses, so don’t expect instant transformation in others.

There is a curious incident in the story of Joseph’s incognito meeting with his brothers in Egypt where Joseph frames his little brother Benjamin with theft of his favourite cup (Genesis 44).  As punishment, he is to become Joseph’s slave, but older half-brother Judah steps in, and stays he will take Benjamin’s place, as it would break his father’s heart if he lost the second child of his true love Rachel (Joseph being presumed dead).

This incident makes no sense until you connect it with an earlier event when Judah was the one who suggested selling Joseph as a slave (Genesis 37).  Joseph had more justification than most of us for wanting his revenge on his brothers, but instead he is giving Judah a chance to prove he has changed, and in doing so, he took a risk.  He didn’t know what Judah would do, but Judah had learned his lesson.

The best way to rebuild trust is to trust.

 

Thine is the Kingdom?

Source: www.sxc.hu

Source: www.sxc.hu

Few would argue with the view that mission workers are sacrificially serving God.  They move far from their homes, often to work in uncomfortable, unstable or unhealthy places.  They risk health, career, family and wealth to follow their call into world mission.  Thousands of mission workers worldwide work selflessly for the God they love and the people God has sent them to.

Or is it selflessly?

On the surface, it certainly looks that way.  But start to dig a bit deeper and in some cases we find that the altruism is not pure and unadulterated.  There may well be an element of self-seeking underlying the sacrifice, maybe the desire to prove that we are the better Christian by making the greater sacrifice.  But for some among us, ministry is more therapy than service.  It may well have our glory as its goal, not God’s, even though we don’t realise it till someone points it out to us.  But it can be betrayed by excessive use of phrases like:

I want to…

I need…

My goal…

While these expressions may not be wrong in themselves, frequent use of them may in fact be an indication that another agenda is being followed – that of the mission worker.

Some of us may have gone into mission to prove that we could achieve something, even though this motivation is subconscious.  In a society that is always desperate to achieve some sort of significance – be it academic, career-focussed promotion, or wealth creation – it is hard not to acquire a streak of competitiveness during our upbringing that we find hard to shake off in later life.

So our ministry (even that expression is a bit of a giveaway!) can be a means to us demonstrating that we can actually achieve something.  While any readers who have read this far into this blog may be incredulous at what I’m suggesting, I see it all too frequently in my ministry (whoops – I mean Syzygy’s ministry!).  It can often be traced back to a childhood authority figure.  A grandparent who said “you’re useless”, a teacher who doubted your capabilities, a church leader who thought you had nothing to offer the church.  And even though they may be long-dead, we’re still trying to prove them wrong.  You can read all about this in a previous blog.

Jesus did not select many high achievers to be his followers.  Matthew possibly was one; he would certainly have been wealthy, but he walked away from it all (Luke 5:28).  The others were probably simple tradesmen.  Even the Biblical characters who had something going for them, like Moses, Joseph or Paul had to be broken, exiled or humbled before God could use them.  God loves to use the insignificant to shame the proud (1 Corinthians 1:27), but that doesn’t mean they become significant.  In fact, they start to delight in being nobodies.

Paul starts one of his earliest letters, Galatians, with “Paul, an apostle not sent by humans but through Jesus Christ”.  His career progression leads to him becoming “least of the apostles” (1 Corinthians 15:9) and ultimately “greatest of sinners” (1 Timothy 1:15).  He ends his life writing “I am being poured out as a drink offering” (2 Timothy 4:6).  Was his career going backwards?  Was he morally deteriorating as he aged?

No.  Like John the Baptist, he knew that the essence of following Jesus is that “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30).  Now would be a good time for each of us to reflect on our ministry, our success, and our achievements and ask ourselves if we’re building God’s kingdom, or our own.

God meant it for good?

Tardieu: Joseph recognised by his brothers (1788)

Tardieu: Joseph recognised by his brothers (1788)

Last week we introduced the theology of suffering with the general idea that the Bible, far from promising us the unlimited blessing of success and prosperity that some have found in isolated verses, has a dominant theme of preparing us to expect suffering.

While this emerges most strongly in the New Testament, with its context of a minority church resisting attempts by both Jewish and Roman authorities to make them submit to anything other than the kingdom of Jesus, the Old Testament has plenty of suffering too.  While much of this is interpreted by the Bible writers as God’s just punishment for Israel’s failure to follow God faithfully, much of the suffering is undergone by the faithful through no fault of their own.  We only have to think of Abel, Joseph, David, Job, Jeremiah and many of the prophets to realise how many were persecuted for their faith.

Let’s examine the case of Joseph.  He seems to have been an arrogant youth, bragging about his dreams, so it’s no surprise that he earned the hostility of his brothers.  But he didn’t deserve to be sold into slavery or to be falsely accused of attempted rape by a rejected woman.  Yet the outcome of his misfortune was the survival of the Egyptians through an unprecedented famine, the rescuing of his own family from starvation, and character growth in himself and his eldest brother Reuben, who took responsibility for the youngest son of Jacob, when he had not been able to save Joseph some decades previously (Genesis 42:37, cf 37:22).  And after the brothers had been reconciled, Joseph comments:

You meant it for harm, but God meant it for good.

(Genesis 50:20)

Does that mean God caused all that suffering?  We in the West hate such an idea, because it implies that we are merely pawns in God’s game, to be moved or sacrificed as God sees fit.  It affronts our sense of democracy, individualism and personal sovereignty.  If however, we came from a number of other cultures across the world, we wouldn’t even be asking this question.  It wouldn’t even occur to us.  We would simply assume that God has the right to do anything God chooses with God’s creation.  We would have a far less inflated impression of our own importance.

But since we’re not from such a culture, we have to deal with that question.  We don’t believe that God is an unfeeling, distant despot, but rather a loving Father who wants the very best for us.  This is certainly what Jesus teaches us in his parables (Matthew 7:9-11, Luke 15:11-32).  But we also believe in the forces of evil, whether at work in selfish or malevolent humans or personified in Satan.  We believe in God’s law of cause and effect at work in this world, and the freedom for all of us to choose to do harm or good.  This creates a world when it becomes very easy for bad things to happen to people, whether accident, abuse or sickness.  Does that mean God causes these things?  No!  But it does mean that God didn’t stop them either.

The plain fact is that God allows suffering to continue in this world.  Why?  While we cannot determine what is going on in each individual case, we can find in the Bible some reasons why suffering might have a purpose.

  • For some, suffering might drive us towards God, perhaps for the first time, and we know of people who have found God because a believing community reached out to support them (2 Corinthians 1:9).
  • For others who observe suffering, it is an opportunity for them to show compassion and develop their own character
  • It may be an opportunity for the victim to develop character and grow more like Jesus (James 1:2-4).
  • For some it is their chance to demonstrate to a watching community the grace of God at work in their lives as they suffer (2 Corinthians 4:10-11).
  • We can encourage others who suffer, turning our experience of hardship into a resource (2 Corinthians 1:4).

Many of us who have suffered and come out the other side will say that it was worth it for what we learned of God and ourselves in the process.  That doesn’t mean we deny the pain of it, or even understand why God allowed it.  We simply recognise that the benefits outweigh the cost.  As Jesus himself did (Hebrews 12:2).  In this life we will probably never know the reasons why God allowed our particular suffering.  What we can know however, is that one day every injustice will be righted, and we will be comforted:

And He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there shall no longer be and death, there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying or pain – these things have passed away.

(Revelation 21:4)