What about the POMs?

No, not the Brits!  Parents Of Missionaries.  A couple of times recently we’ve considered the POMs in the context of the challenge of caring for them from a distance as they age, but that was strictly from the mission worker’s perspective.  What does overseas mission look like from a POM’s perspective?

Parents generally acknowledge, albeit sometimes reluctantly, that their little darlings will one day grow up, move away, and see less of them.  But at least they hope to visit regularly, and see each other for family celebrations like Christmas and birthdays.  They hope to play an active part in raising any grandchildren, and enjoy lots of hugs when they meet.

But when the little darlings become mission workers and move to the other side of the planet there can be a huge sense of loss occasioned by the separation.  Yet POMs know they are supposed to feel pride that their offspring has found her vocation and followed her calling, which only means they find it harder to openly acknowledge their grief.  Add to that the guilt POMs can feel because they’re not absolutely delighted.  Also they can’t truly express their feelings to their children for fear of discouraging them, and POMs can very easily succumb to psychological damage.

OK, the children aren’t actually dead, but in practical terms the loss when a child emigrates is not dissimilar to bereavement, and needs to be grieved in the same way or else unresolved grief can eat away at a POM’s wellbeing

So if you are a POM, how can you  cope with this situation?

  • Recognise the issue and get support.  Talk to a pastor, or a counsellor.  Make an effort to meet up with other POMs because they have been through the same thing and will stand more chance of understanding the challenge you face.
  • Try to see your loss as a sacrifice for the Lord.  After all, you probably dedicated your children to God when they were young, so now he is taking you at your word and taking what you have already offered him.  They’re not yours, they’re Gods.  In the Bible Hannah did this (1 Samuel 2:18-19) and rejoiced, even though she only saw her son once a year.
  • Make the most of your time with them.  When they’re back on home assignment they may well be tired, overworked, frantically visiting supporters, and may even be living with you in a house that is too small for you all, so don’t go for quantity of time, but quality.  Try to have one week’s holiday with them when there are no other distractions, and be happy with that.
  • Ask their agency to connect you with other POMs for a mutual support network, and if there isn’t one, why not start one?
  • Recognise you’re part of their ministry.  You have spent much of your life nurturing your kids to become the people that God wants them to be, so don’t stop now that God is using them overseas.
  • Check out online resources like the National Network of Parents of Missionaries (in the USA) and tips helpfully provided by Diane Stortz.  Start a similar network in your own country if you can’t find one
  • Read Savageau and Stortz’s book for Parents of Missionaries

 

It is entirely natural for humans to want to be close to our loved ones, the ones we’ve nurtured and cherished for so many years.  But it’s entirely normal for the family of God to be about our Father’s business, wherever that may take us.  Letting our children go abroad may be the toughest thing God ever asks of us, but as Jesus said:

Whoever loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me

(Matthew 10:37)

 

…or should I go?

Source: www.freeimages.com

Last week we considered some of the steps you can take to support ageing parents while staying on in the mission field.  But no matter how good you are at doing that, there may well come a time when you have to leave the field and go to support your parents.  Today we’ll consider some issues which need to be settled so that you can know going back to your parents’ country is the right thing for you to do.

In a multitude of counsellors there is safety (Proverbs 11:14).  This is not a decision to be made lightly, so involve people you trust: church leaders, friends, family (including your parents) and medical advisors.  Make sure you don’t just make a decision with your head, or follow your heart, but pray about it to see if together you can work out what God is calling you to do.  It was, after all, at a conference that James pronounced “It seems good to the Holy Spirit and to us…” (Acts 15:28)

Make the decision sooner rather than later.  It’s only natural for you to leave it as long as possible because you want to stay on in the mission field, but you will need to leave some time for you (and your family if you have one) to settle into life in your parents’ country before you have to throw yourself into looking after your parents.  You may need a year or two to navigate the challenges of re-entry, and if you find yourself acting as a full-time carer within days of getting off the plane, you probably won’t have the space to process everything you need to – and will have unresolved emotional issues as a result.

Be honest with your siblings and review each of your skills.  You may not actually be the best person to provide the personal care for your parents, but you may be great at organising it from a distance or handling their finances.  Your parents may prefer one of your siblings to see them daily rather than you.  But your siblings may assume that because they have full-time jobs (unlike you!) you have the flexibility to be there for your parents, unlike them.  Make sure your family understands that your calling is just as important and inflexible as their employment.  This applies particularly to single women in the mission field, who families often think are more readily available to provide care because they don’t have a husband and children, so the expectation of looking after parents often falls unfairly on their shoulders.

Nobody who has put a hand to the plough and then turns back is fit for the kingdom of God (Luke 9:62).  With the best will in the world this harsh verse will be preying on your mind.  It will be quoted at you by Pharisees, and Satan will make sure you don’t forget it.  Have you betrayed your calling?  Did you love your family more than Jesus (Luke 14:26)?  This is why any decision needs to be thought and prayed through thoroughly.  Be convinced that this is God’s way of ending your time in the mission field (or taking an indefinite break) or this idea will continue to gnaw away at your soul and embitter you.

Finish well and say good goodbyes.  Treat this as if you are leaving permanently – because you may be!  People often leave the field ‘temporarily’, assuming that they will return when their parents no longer need their support, but in fact ageing parents can continue to live for decades, and by the time you are ready to return so much will have changed: you, your family situation, your church and agency, the needs of the mission and the country where you served.  Perhaps you won’t be wanted, and will have to deal with unsaid farewells and unresolved emotions in the future.  Better to leave well, and perhaps have a second bite at the cherry later, without holding on tightly to the hope of it.

There are huge emotional, spiritual and practical challenges involved in leaving the mission field to care for ageing parents.  Syzygy is experienced at helping people in these situations, and if you’d like to talk to us, either in person or via social media, email us on info@syzygy.org.uk.

Should I stay…?

Source: www.freeimages.com

Many overseas mission workers will be aware of the huge crisis lurking somewhere out there in the future when their ageing parents become sick, or simply are unable to look after themselves any more.

We know that at some stage we may have to weigh our desire to love, honour and care for our parents with the sense of calling we have which has taken us far away from them, and we need to work out what is the right thing to do when the time comes.  Do we  resign our position as mission workers and return to our parents’ country, or do we continue in our vocation and look for other alternatives for our parents’ care?  There are no easy answers, and even the Bible counters “Honour thy father and they mother” with “Let the dead bury their dead.”  But the decision is still out there, and most of us know it will come home to roost sooner or later.

Let us assume for the moment that most of us want to stay in the mission field.  After all, we have a sense of calling, there is a work for us to do here, and it’s our home.  If we had wanted to return to our parents’ country, we probably would have done so already.  So here are a few suggestions on how we can continue to support our parents from a distance, and so prolong our time in the field while not neglecting our parents.  Next week we will have a look at some of the issues involved in leaving.

  • First, can you arrange to take more frequent home assignments so that you can see your parents more regularly, keep personally updated on their needs and monitor their situation?  If you’re a family and can’t afford to fly everyone back once a year, can one of you take a couple of weeks each year to visit your parents while leaving the others behind?  Use these visits to spend valuable time with your parents, find out what’s really going on in their lives, and get to know their community.
  • Discuss the situation openly with your parents and siblings, so that you are all agreed who is to do what.  Make sure they all know that you’re not trying to shirk your responsibilities and are willing to do your share of the support from a distance.
  • Get a Power of Attorney over their affairs, so that you can act on their authority from a distance.  You will need this authority just to get information from their bank or doctor so make sure that you’ve registered a copy with them.
  • Get to know their neighbours, if you don’t know them already.  Who can help with the shopping?  Who will sound the alarm if the bedroom curtains aren’t opened in the morning?  Make sure neighbours know how to get in touch with you.
  • Get to know their doctor and discuss the situation with them so they won’t be surprised when you phone from abroad to ask a question.
  • Engage some professional care from an agency or a charity who can take in meals and help with cleaning, medication or helping your parents get out of bed.
  • Recruit your friends to be their friends.  While you’re on home assignment, hold suppers for your friends at your parents’ house if you can, so that you have a natural way of introducing them.
  • Get help from the church.  If your church is in their area, let your church leaders know the situation.  Even if your parents aren’t Christians they might welcome the contact.  And if they are Christians, make sure you are in touch with their church leadership too, so that they are fully briefed and can keep in touch with you from a distance.
  • Utilise technology.  Not only can you talk to your parents via social media, you can have webcams and movement sensors in their house so you can keep tabs on them!
  • Find out what resources are available in their community, and visit the social services and local charities.
  • Go through their house minimising trip hazards, adding handrails and improving lighting
  • Make sure you have sufficient savings to pay for a last minute flight home, as tickets can be very expensive if you haven’t booked in advance.

Hopefully, by planning carefully and engaging with your family and your parents’ community, you can facilitate their support from a distance rather than providing it personally.  And if you have any other suggestions for caring from a distance, please let us know!