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We have probably all seen passive-aggressive behaviour exhibited in workplaces, shops, families, churches and of course the mission field. It is an immature way of expressing resistance without directly challenging.
It sits on a spectrum which runs from “Yes, I’d be happy to” to “No, I won’t do that” and while it may not be as vocal as either of those statements, it could be expressed with a shrug, a pout, and slow, unwilling movements. Think of a child who has been told to tidy her room, and realises she has no alternative if she wants dinner. She do it, so is actually being compliant but everything about the body language is saying “NOOOO!”
Sadly, the mission field is no stranger to this behaviour, and one of the reasons may be because, whether we are leaders or followers, we think we ought to avoid conflict. Or perhaps we’re uncomfortable with conflict because we do so need to be liked. Christians today don’t do conflict with each other well, but at least we’ve stopped killing each other, so things are looking up.
One way in which passive-aggressive leaders can try to avoid conflict is by introducing new rules which affect everyone, rather than the one person they have an issue with. So, for example, imagine your team holds a regular lunchtime prayer meeting, which is voluntary. Only one person in the team doesn’t attend, so the leaders make it compulsory. Everyone knows why – the leaders don’t actually want the risk of triggering interpersonal conflict by engaging with the individual and asking if there’s an issue.
If the team member is also prone to passive-aggressive behaviour, he will go to the meeting but sit there sullenly, in silence, possibly sighing or yawning loudly, doing everything he can to say “I don’t want to be here” without actually verbalising it. Outright resistance would actually be more productive, because it would bring the issue to a head and force a flashpoint, rather than leaving it to simmer, unaddressed, for many years.
So how do we avoid passive-aggression? With openness, honesty and humility. Whether we’re leaders or followers, we should find constructive ways of expressing how we feel. Not in an angry outburst, but in a meek, non-confrontational manner. One which will take tension out of a discussion, not add to it.
None of us like conflict. We tend to sweep things under the carpet. The trouble with that approach is that the lump under the carpet starts to get so big that people trip over it. We try to keep the peace by not making an issue of things, but peace is more than merely the absence of war.
Peacekeepers prevent conflict breaking out, but they don’t bring real, lasting, restorative peace. No wonder Jesus said “Blessed are the Peacemakers”.
