A ban on intercultural relationships?

Original photo by Antonio Uquiche on Unsplash
A recent post on a popular member care site asked “What are your policies for dating locals?” The questioner was wanting to draft a policy for their organisation.
It may come as a surprise to some of our readers but, yes, many mission workers are not allowed control over their emotional lives. There are policies which may dictate that dating locals is completely out, or banned for their first x number of years. Mission workers who want to marry a local may be required to resign, and then reapply as a couple.
I have come across cases where this has led to a mission worker becoming abandoned in the field by their agency because their partner wasn’t approved, but they didn’t want to walk away from their calling. Or their love. I’ve also known people leave the mission field to pursue their love. I know of no other profession in which the employer exercises so much control over the individual’s choice of partner. Except of course the Roman Catholic Church!
I should imagine that this situation first arose when 150 years ago a white western mission worker married a local and it turned out badly, whether for an agency with a paternalistic attitude towards the locals and which couldn’t accept one of them as an equal, or for the couple who were unable to overcome the cultural barriers between them. Perhaps the national really was a gold-digger looking for money or a foreign passport. As a result some bright spark thought it was worth making a rule to ensure this never happened again.
In the 21st century, however, intercultural marriages are commonplace. Why not in the world of missions? After all, what better way is there of crossing cultural barriers, being accepted into the local community, learning the language and understanding cultural nuances?
Yes, intercultural marriages face unique challenges due to the widely disparate cultural norms and different expectations of marriage. Every marriage has its challenges and the intercultural ones more so. But that doesn’t mean we should ban or discourage them. Instead we can choose to support or facilitate them. So we could, for example:
- Instead of banning dating, give people better cultural-awareness training so they have a fuller understanding of the host culture
- Offer mentoring, support and encouragement to all who are dating interculturally so that their relationships stand a better chance of thriving
- Rather than placing restrictions on new arrivals in the mission field, explain the challenges as part of their orientation
- Provide strong and inclusive community for our single mission workers so that they are better supported
- Trust our mission partners to be responsible adults. We trust them to run churches, disciple students, teach Bible college, act as ambassadors for our agencies, but we don’t trust them to date.
While it may be appropriate to place restrictions on short-termers, particularly those who are on a team, where relationship issues can complicate an already intense environment, let’s not add to the social and emotional challenges faced by our single mission partners unnecessarily. A missionary culture full of intercultural marriages is a wonderful witness to the global nature of the church and a foretaste of heaven (Revelation 7:9). Let’s build it here on earth!
Syzygy is happy to provide support and mentoring for people in intercultural marriages. If you would like advice, please contact us confidentially on info@syzygy.org.uk or look at some of our marriage tips.